


New Year Miseries

by allie_wishes



Category: Star Wars
Genre: ALL ABOARD THE ANGST TRAIN, Angst, Bands, Ben makes mistakes, But be kind this is my first time writing it, But who wants to wait that long, Don't worry, F/M, I wrote this because I live for Reylo, Lots of it, M/M, Modern AU, Music, Ratings may change, Redemption, Smut, Sorry Ben/Kylo, implied drug and alcohol abuse, music making, sassy Rey, slow burn sorta, this has a happy ending
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-10-18
Updated: 2019-01-14
Packaged: 2019-07-29 06:58:44
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Major Character Death, Underage
Chapters: 8
Words: 13,242
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16259024
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/allie_wishes/pseuds/allie_wishes
Summary: Ashley Rey Barker use to think that the worst day of her life was when her drunk parents abandoned her. Then it was the day she got moved to Plutt's. That was definitely the worst day. Now, she wasn't so sure, as she stood outside of Ben's dorm building, watching him leave and go into the arms of another woman.'No,' she thought as she watched her now ex-boyfriend kiss the beautiful brunette. 'This is the worst day of my life.'Modern AU where Rey and Ben date in High School and then his band gets signed and his new manager, Snoke, convinces him that she is holding him back so he dumps her. 8 years later, at a roof top New Year's Eve concert where her band is performing, he may just get a second chance.





	1. Chapter 1- Prologue

**Author's Note:**

> I don't know much about being in a band or being famous, aside from movies and TV so if there are any inaccuracies, my bad. 
> 
> There are a lot of songs that are popular, or were popular, that I'm claiming that Ben and/or Rey wrote. I do not mean any slight to any artist. These are just songs that I love that fit into the narrative that's been playing in my head. This story is the product of listening to basically the same songs since high school, but oh well. 
> 
> I do not own any of these characters of songs. 
> 
> I will try to post often and make longer chapters, but I felt like I was gonna explode if I didn't at least get this started.
> 
> Hope you enjoy!

Prologue

In the past

Rey

The summer before her senior year was the best time Rey had ever had, at least, until school started. It had started when she went to prom with her boyfriend, Ben. It was more magical than she could ever imagine. While she loved being dressed up in a beautiul emerald gown, her favorite part was after the dance, when she and ben, under the guise of her staying the night with Phas and him with Hux, had rented a hotel room. 

When Rey and her foster brother Finn had been adopted together, because they refused to be separated, by the loving Charles “Chewie” Barker and his wife Maz Katana Barker, she was immensely happy to be leaving Plutt’s “care”. However, she was extremely shy. After a month in their new home with their new last name, Ashley Rey Barker and Finnigan Brooks Barker, met their “Aunt” Leia and “Uncle” Han as well as their son, Ben. For Rey, it was love at first sight. 

In that king sized bed in the hotel, Rey was able to do more than say her love. Though the first round or two was a bit quick and awkward, Ben and Rey let their bodies say “I love you” again and again, until the sun rose. 

That summer, Ben and Rey spent as much time as they could together before August. Rey never knew she could hate a month so much. It was the month that Ben, and their friends, Hux and Phas, all went away for college, leaving the now seniors in the friend group to finish High School.

August started and soon, Ben, Phas, and Hux were a couple hours away, at the state university known for it’s music program. Rey, Finn, Poe, Rose, and Paige started their senior year and tried to continue their weekly jam session, although it wasn’t the same with the others gone. 

In October, Rey drove up to Ben’s dorm to surprize him. When she knocked on the door she was greeted by a beautiful brunette. 

“Kylo, babe, there’s some,” the woman paused looking Rey up and down with disgust, “teen girl here for you. Says her name is... some kind of boy name. What was it again?” She turned back to Rey.

“Rey,” she answered with as much civility as she could muster.

“Rey,” the woman called back. Ben quickly came to the door and stepped outside, shutting it. 

“Who was that?” Rey asked, not wanting to jump to conclusions, but her heart fearing the worst.

“That’s Bazine,” he sighed. “My girlfriend.” 

“Your girlfriend, but Ben, I’m yo-“

“It’s Kylo now. It’s for the image of the band. We got signed and Snoke, our manager, is helping us with our look. He’s the best of the best. He says we need to let the past die, kill it if we have to.” He explained.

“I don’t get it. You sounded great before. Why do you need to change everything? Why do you have to ‘kill the past’? And is your new ‘girlfriend’” Rey spat, ”part of this change? I don’t know that I like the sound of this Snoke guy. He sounds sketchy.”

“He’d said that you’d say that. He said that you were holding me back, just some scavanger who was trying to latch on to my music,” he retorted.

“Some scavanger? When I was at Plutt’s, I did what I had to to survive. You use to understand that. When Chewie and Maz adopted Finn and I, you were there to help us adjust to an actual family.” Rey tried to fight back the tears that were threatening to fall.

“Yeah, well, you’re welcome.” He rolled his eyes. 

“So this new band of yours, did you ditch Phas and Hux too?” She practically yelled.

“No, they are part of The First Order. Our band will change music and the best part is we got the deal on our own.” He countered.

“What do you mean?” Rey cried.

“At least I got a deal that didn’t have to do with my parent’s bribing someone, because we both know that’s the only way you’ll get a deal. Goodbye Rey. Have a nice life.” He turned on his heel and slammed the door in her face. He made sure to walk to Bazine, where Rey could see through the window next to the door, and kissed her. 

Rey use to think that the worst day of her life was when her drunk parents abandoned her. Then it was the day she got moved to Plutt's. That was definitely the worst day. Now, she wasn't so sure, as she stood outside of Ben's dorm building, watching him leave and go into the arms of another woman. 

'No,' she thought as she watched her now ex-boyfriend kiss the beautiful brunette. 'This is the worst day of my life.'

Rey was heartbroken. She focused only on school. She didn’t attend any jam sessions with her friends. After about a month, Rose and Paige convinced her to come play and sing. Rey found that her music became her outlet. They formed The Rebels, featuring Rey as singer and guitarist, Rose on bass, Paige on back up guitar, and Finn on drums. Poe, as their self-dubbed manager, worked hard to get them gigs. Rey suggested to Finn that they go by stage names, so they got a deal because of their talent and not because their parents were some of the biggest producers in the business. She picked Kira. Finn wanted something a bit more edgy and space-like, so he chose FN-2187. 

She made the band work hard, and by the end of their Senior year, with a contract under her belt, she would show Kylo who the better band was.


	2. Hello Again

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Kylo goes to a roof top concert where Rey's band is performing.

Hello Again

In the present

BEN

The shrill alarm going on his phone rudely awakened him from sweet dreams full of summer, happiness, and a brunette with hazel eyes and freckles. He tapped the screen, shutting off the obnoxious noise and looked at the background of his sleek phone. The eyes of the 18 year old version of himself held nothing but judgement and contempt for all that he did to the angel that his younger self was holding in the picture. 

‘Rey, god, I am so sorry. I fucked everything up.’ he thought. He sighed and closeed his eyes, trying not to let the day’s date pull up any more guilt than what he was use to piling on.

‘Three years ago, my father, Han, died of a heart attack. While I caused him stress and ignored my parents those last years, I am not responsible for his death,’ he repeated his mantre, just as his therapist urged him to do every year on the anniversery of his father’s death. It didn’t help, as usual. He still felt liek he was the sole cause. Just then his phone rang, popping up a photo of his only friends left, with the name HUX across the top.

“Hello?” Kylo answered, still lying in bed.

“Ren! Happy New Years Eve! I’m glad you’re up. I need your help” Hux whispered into the phone.

“What do you need? I’m not bailing you out, you know.” Kylo replied.

“No, I am proposing to Phas tonight and I need my best man there to help me.” 

“It’s about damn time,” Kylo spoke, trying his hardest to ignore the hurt and jealousy bubble up. ‘Idiot. You cheated on her and then dumped her. You don’t get to complain,’ he chided himself. “Congrats, man. What do you need me to do?”

REY

She woke up in the afternoon sun. Glancing at her phone, it reading 2:11 pm, she decided it was time to get up and ready. After a nice, hot shower and a phone call to Leia to express her love for her on this hard day, Rey began getting ready for the day. As she finished putting her hair in her customary three buns, her phone went off.

“Hey girl!” Rose greeted her cheerfully. “So Paige is thinking tonight we should all get ready for the concert together. When can you get here?”

“Umm.. in like half an hour?” she responded. Rey loved her friends, they were there every step of the way, including the day her heart was shattered years ago. 

“Okay, get hurry quickly and safely! Paige says she has the best outfit picked out for you!” 

“‘Kay. I’m on my way! Love you! Muah!” Rey kissed the phone then disconnected the call. She walked to her closet to grab her old, trusty pair of Vans and a hoodie. She pulled on a pair of leggings before slipping on her shoes and then ran out the door.

BEN

After playing photographer in the bush to catch the moment Hux got down on one knee and Gwen saying yes, Kylo was beyond ready to go home and end the day. Phas walked over to him and kissed him on the cheek.

“Thank you, love, for helping! I’m glad he finally had the realization that I’m the best thing that’s ever happened to him.” Phas smiled.

“I already knew that. I just was afraid you’d figure out that I don’t deserve you and walk away.” Hux replied.

“Oh, honey, I’d have to be an invalid not to realize that. Now, Kylo, I had tickets to a roof top concert, but seeing as my plans for the evening have changed,” she winked at her now fiancee, “I’m going to give them to you. I know what this day means to you and you know your father would have wanted you to enjoy yourself, so you better go, or I will take it as a personal attack and will never speak to you again.”

“Ren, you know she doesn’t mean that. But seriously, it feels like you’ve hardly left your house since your dad and then all that rubbish mess with Snoke. Please go enjoy yourself.” Hux begged.

“Fine, but if the bands suck, I’m leaving early.” Kylo conceeded. He glanced at the time and realized that he only had a few minutes to get to the building before the party started. He said his goodbyes and headed off to the concert.

REY

“Paige, you never cease to amaze me!” Finn exclaimed, looking Rey up and down. Rey did a little spin, letting them get the whole effect. 

“The black bodycon dress with the fishnets and black heeled boots just oozes sexiness. I love the smokey eye, too,” Poe complimented. “Okay let’s go get to the stage. The previous band should be finishing their last song.” He ushered them out of their dressing room and toward the stage.

Rey glanced at the audience when she made it to the wings of the stage. As her eyes swept through the crowd, her eyes fell on a very familiar face. His jet black hair was no longer a mop and his body was no longer lanky, but she’d know him anywhere.

“Shit.” She cursed her body’s immediate reaction of heat pooling below her stomach to his muscular physique.

“What is it?” Finn questioned. Rey nodded in the direction of the bar where Ben sat.

“Shit.” Finn agreed. “Ben’s here.”

“Are you okay with still going on Rey?” Poe asked.

“Yeah,” she said, rolling her sholders and mentally prepping herself to play and sing.

“I guess we are changing to the ‘We hate Kylo’ set list.” Paige stated with satisfaction.

“You know it.” Rey threw a devilish wink over her shoulder and then walked on stage as the MC annouced the band.

BEN

“Here is Kira and the Rebels!” The MC yelled, causing the crowd to go wild. As the figures began to appear on stage, the lights dimmed. Kylo was only half paying attention as the guitarists started playing and the lights slowly brightened up. 

"Black Sheep, come home  
Black Sheep, come home  
Black Sheep, come home  
Black Sheep, come home (Oh yeah)

"Black Sheep, come home  
Black Sheep, come home  
Black Sheep, come home  
Black Sheep, come home (Oh yeah)

"Black Sheep, come home  
Black Sheep, come home  
Black Sheep, come home  
Black Sheep, come home (Oh yeah)

"Black Sheep, come home  
Black Sheep, come home  
Black Sheep..."

The lights were now fully on, allowing him to see the band members. He nearly spat out his drink as he saw Rey take the microphone and stare him down as she sang the first lyric.

"Hello again, friend of a friend, I knew you when  
Our common goal was waiting for the world to end  
Now that the truth is just a rule that you can bend  
You crack the whip, shape-shift and trick the past again"

It wasn’t until she began to look around the audience that Kylo could release the breathe he didn’t know he was holding. 

"Send you my love on a wire  
Lift you up, every time, everyone, ooh, pulls away, ooh  
From you, ooh ooh, ooh ooh, ooh ooh, ooh"

Kylo’s cock twitched in his black skinny jeans as he was able to take her in. Her brown locks were curled and teased into a sexy bed head. Her hazel eyes were framed by black eyshadow and her lips, her lips that he knew so well, were a dark matte red. The short, tight black dress and fishnets were doing nothing for his awkward predicament. Seeming to know he was struggling, he found her eyes on him again as she sang, swaying her hips to the beat and flipping her hair with the guitar for effect.

"Got balls of steel, got an automobile, for a minimum wage  
Got real estate, I'm buying it all up in outer space  
Now that the truth is just a rule that you can bend  
You crack the whip, shape-shift and trick, the past again

"Send you my love on a wire  
Lift you up, every time, everyone, ooh, pulls away, ooh  
It's a mechanical bull, the number one  
You'll take a ride from anyone  
Everyone wants a ride, pulls away, ooh, from you  
ooh ooh, ooh ooh, ooh ooh, ooh ooh  
ooh ooh, ooh ooh, ooh ooh, ooh ooh"

Kylo noticed that “The Rebels” were the group of friends that he had left behind and they had gotten quite good. With Finn’s excellent drumming, and Rose and Paige as backup singers, while plaing the bass and guitar, Kylo easily understood how this band, which he had recognized the name from his years in the industry, had done so well. Kira and the Rebels left no time for cheers as they quickly went into the next song. Kylo’s pants only got tighter as she strutted around and danced.

"Oh, I miss the misery,  
Ooh oh oh, ooh oh oh, ooh oh oh, oh oh oh oh  
Ooh oh oh, ooh oh oh, ooh oh oh, oh oh oh oh

"I've been a mess since you stayed  
I've been a wreck since you changed  
Don't let me get in your way  
I miss the lies and the pain  
The fights that keep us awake, ake, ake  
I'm telling you

"I miss the bad things  
The way you hate me  
I miss the screaming  
The way that you blame me  
Miss the phone calls  
When it's your fault  
I miss the late nights  
Don't miss you at all  
I like the kick in the face  
And the things you do to me  
I love the way that it hurts  
I don't miss you, I miss the misery  
Ooh oh oh, ooh oh oh, ooh oh oh, oh oh oh oh

"I've tried but I just can't take it  
I'd rather fight than just fake it ('cause I like it rough)  
You know that I've had enough  
I dare ya to call my bluff  
Can't take to much of a good thing  
I'm telling you

"I miss the bad things  
The way you hate me  
I miss the screaming  
The way that you blame me  
Miss the phone calls  
When it's your fault  
I miss the late nights  
Don't miss you at all  
I like the kick in the face  
And the things you do to me  
I love the way that it hurts  
I don't miss you, I miss the misery

"Just know that I'll make you hurt  
(I miss the lies and the pain what you did to me)  
When you tell me you'll make it worse  
(I'd rather fight all night than watch the TV)  
I hate that feeling inside  
You tell me how hard you'll try  
But when we're at our worst  
I miss the misery

"I miss the bad things  
The way you hate me  
I miss the screaming  
The way that you blame me

"I miss the rough sex  
Leaves me a mess  
I miss the feeling of pains in my chest  
Miss the phone calls  
When it's your fault  
I miss the late nights  
Don't miss you at all  
I like the kick in the face  
And the things you do to me  
I love the way that it hurts  
I don’t miss you, I miss the misery  
I don’t miss you, I miss the misery, yeah, yeah  
I don’t miss you, I miss the misery"

Kylo was struggling by the end. He was filled with guilt at what he had done. However, there was a part of him, his throbbing cock reminded him, who wanted to give her that misery she missed. He downed his drink and ran to the restroom. He thanked his lucky stars that not only was it unoccupied, but it was a single room. He quickly went in and locked the door. Unzipping his pants, his dick sprang forward and he went to work. While he couldn’t make out any of the lyrics or music for the new song that was playing, all he needed was the memory of Rey in all black, shaking her ass on the stage, teasing him. It didn’t take him long, just the last two songs in their set and what he assumed was the first song of a new band. With a grunt, he came. 

As he washed his hands and made sure he didn’t leave a mess, he was determined to find her back stage and apologize, making things right. ‘And fuck her,’ he thought, remembering their summer nights long ago, when they learned every inch of each other’s body. ‘No,’ he chastized himself. ‘I doubt she wants anything to do with me.’ He gained control of his thoughts, although the hope was still in the back of his mind when he left the bathroom.

Sure enough they were no longer on stage and a new band replaced them, playing a song he had recently heard on the radio. Kylo easily avoided the so-called security as he snuck backstage. He quietly, walked around until he heard her voice in a room. She was talking but nobody was responding. ‘She must be on the phone,’ he thought.

“Yeah, he just bolted after the second song. I guess he couldn’t take it and ran, like always.” She was saying. She paused, listening to the response on the phone that he couldn’t hear. 

“I don’t even want to answer that question, Maz.” Another pause. He realized she had called her adopted mom to tell her everything.

“Fine! He looked good, okay? Really good. But, it doesn’t change that he’s a cheater and he broke my heart.” ‘See?’ a thought poped in his mind. ‘There’s a chance that she wants to fuck you.’

“They wanted me to go to the bar with them for drinks, but after having my heart ripped open again, I told them no, so they all just left.” Kylo smiled again at his fortune. ‘She’s alone!’

“I’m going to head home. Love you. Okay. Bye.” He heard her end the call with a sigh.

He resolved himself, acting before he could talk himself out of anything, and quietly opened the door and slipped in. Her back was turned to him and he took a brief second to look her up and down again, his cock stiring again, ready to be called to action.

“Hello, Kira,” he cooed. “Or do you still go by Rey?”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> 1) I don't have anyone proof reading so if I miss something, let me know. 
> 
> 2) I've always imagined this Ben/Kylo Angel/Demon thing going on in Ben's head and so I'm trying to write that in. Hopefully it goes well. 
> 
> 3) I really don't want to post the entire sorry in one sitting.... But it just keeps replaying in my head, so we'll see. 
> 
> 4) The two songs are Black Sheep by Metric and I miss the Misery by Halestorm


	3. Hate, Revenge, and Sorrow

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Revenge is great until it's not. 
> 
> WARNING: Talk of past drug use and attempted suicide ahead.

Hate, Revenge, and Sorrow

In the past

REY

For her 18th birthday in June, Ben had taken Rey to the local club. Every night had a different theme and, to Rey’s delight, for her birthday night it was Latin themed. They danced almost all night. “Conga” by Gloria Esteban came on and Rey, who was claiming exhaustion previously, began dancing and shaking her hips furiously. She got close to Ben and started grinding on him.

“Rey,” he growled low into her ears, sending shivers down her spine and raising goosebumps on her arms. “You should stop.” She spun around, facing him, still swaying her hips and grinding into him.

“And if I don’t?” She whispered defiantly.

“I might have to take you outside and punish you,” he threatened. Rey turned again, putting her back to him again. She dipped at the waist and flipped her hair back into him.

“Well, I guess you better take me outside then.” She threw a devious smile over her shoulder at him and winked. He grabbed her hand and immediately took her out to his truck. He opened her door and then jumped into his side. 

“I’m going to take us out to the middle of nowhere, where no one can hear you scream my name.” Ben informed her. 

The 15 minute drive to the abandoned parking garage was the longest drive of her life. As soon as Ben put the truck into park at the top of the parking garage into their usual spot, Rey grabbed the blankets in the backseat and threw them in the truckbed. She hopped in and began to strip. Ben quickly joined her in the back. She went to kiss him and he stopped her.

“Uh-uh. Bad girls get punished, you know that Rey.” He said. He took his belt and tied her hands to the hook he had welded on just a month ago for this exact purpose. 

“I’m gonna have you begging to cum by the time I’m done with you, Rey” He purred.

In the Present

REY

“Hello, Kira. Or do you still go by Rey?” He purred. Rey jumped and then froze. Heat began to coil and throb between her legs, reminding her of what that purring voice use to mean.

“That was quite a performance. I see you still love to dance.” He had walked up to her and was now standing with her back pressed to his stomach. 

“I always loved watching you dance, but you already knew that,” he whispered in her ear. She silently cursed her body for it’s response. She could feel her underwear getting damper by the minute. Steeling herself, she turned to face him.

“What are you doing here?” She tried to growl, not wanting her arousal to show.

“Phas gave me a ticket. Imagine my surprise when I see you up on the stage, shaking your ass for everyone to see, like you use to do just for me.” He answered, smirking.

“You don’t get to say that. You gave up that right when you left me for Bazine,” she spat. "So I ask you again, what are you doing here? You can't possibly think that I'd want to be with you." Rey saw his resolve starting to break. She stood on her toes, getting in his face.

"You can go to hell," she told him. She watched something flash in his eyes, 'remorse, maybe,' she thought. His face softened, his smirk fading into a frown.

“Bazine was some girl that Snoke wanted me to date because it promoted our image. I dumped her the day after you came to visit,” He sighed, running his left hand through his hair. “We never did anything more than kiss. I hated myself for what I did to you. I still do. I left her because she wasn’t you. There’s never been anyone else.”

Rey’s heart began to thaw. 'Stop it. He's lying. He's just trying to get in your pants,' she told herself, refusing to have any sympathy. 

He paused for a minute. She felt his eyes trying to read her mind. His shoulders dropped dejectedly and he turned, walking to the door. As he placed a hand on the handle, he looked back and spoke in a voice barely above a whisper, “I’m sorry, Rey." 

'He's leaving.' The thought both terrified her and caused her anger to bubble over. 'I can't let him leave and hurt me again. Oh, God, this is like before. It's not fair. My hearts going to get broken again. It's not fair! He deserves this pain more that I do.' she justified, starting to formulate a plan. She closed the distance between them. 

“You can’t just show up out of nowhere, say that, and then leave.” She pulled on his shoulder to turn him around. “I hate how you broke my heart. I hate how I formed this band just to prove you wrong. I hate that I still dream about you. I hate that I still love you. I hate you!" She slammed her lips against his. She bit at his lip, as she began to strip him. His arms moved to take off her dress.

“Uh-uh” She said between kisses. “You don’t get to touch me. You haven’t earned that back. Bad boys get punished, you know that Ben. Now, strip and get on that couch. You’re gonna be begging to cum by the time I’m done with you.” She repeated back his words from so long ago, with a smile of satisfaction on her face.

BEN

Kylo struggled with what to do. While part of him was estatic for this, there was another part that wasn't so sure about what was going to happen. However, Rey didn't give him much time to change his mind. 

"I said strip," she commanded. Her hands flew to his pants, making quick work of his belt, button, and zipper. In a matter of just a minute or two, Kylo found himself completely naked, lying on the couch. Rey straddled him, placing her lips on his again. 

"Rey,' he groaned, between kisses. "I want this, but are you-" Rey silenced him with a kiss. She nipped at his bottom lip, teasing him before slipping her tongue into his mouth. Suddenly, after getting a taste of her again, something he'd been wanting for yeara, all thoughts and reservations went out the window. 

Kylo was only vaguely aware of Rey using his belt to fasten his hands to an exposed pipe on the wall. Rather, his attention was on kissing and nibbling at that sweet spot on her neck, knowing the sensations it would cause her.

All too soon, Rey removed herself from his lap and his lips. Kylo waited patiently, assuming she was taking off her clothes. Instead, she grabbed her purse and went to the door.

"You once left me bare and exposed. It's fair I return the favor. Only this time, it's literal. Bye Kylo," his chose name sounded foul coming out of her mouth. "Have a nice life." She opened the door, flipped him off, and left. The slam brought him back to reality. 

"Fuck!" he yelled. Yanking his arms back, the leather cut into his wrists. It broke after another tug, living him slightly bloody. 'Did you think she'd ever want you? That anyone would want you?' The vicious voice spoke up in his mind. He quickly got dressed, and with his head hanging low, he left the dressing room. 

On his way down the building, he called an Uber. Luckily, it was someone nearby, so he only had to wait outside a few minutes. When the car arrived, he hopped in the back and as the driver took off, he slipped out his sleek phone. He hovered over the contact that read "therapist". Not wanting to bother Dr. Holdo at 11:30 at night on New Year's Eve, he decided to pull up Google and searched the name "Lester Snoke". He tapped on the first website, an article dated two years ago, that told of events of which he was a witness and victim to. He reread and relived each moment, hoping to remind himself that it was over and he was free on the way home to his apartment. 

REY

Proud of herself, Rey burst the door of the bar where her friends were celebrating. Smile beaming from ear to ear, she walked up to their table. With only a few minutes left until the New Year, she was glad to ring it on with her friends. 

"Look at that smile! Someone finally got some!" Poe cheered.

"Judging by the time, old Benny boy must've lost his touch," Finn nudged Rey's arm. 

"Wha- what do you mean?" The smile she proudly wore began to fade. 

"I told you we should have just told her!" Paige threw an accusational glare at Poe. 

"Yeah, if we would have just done what Hux said, they could've cleared the air." Rose added. 

"What the hell are you talking about?" Rey demanded. 

"Rey, hear us out. About 3 or so years ago, Phasma and Hux reached out to the papers. Their manager, Snoke, had been pumping them full of drugs and had been emotionally and verbally abusing the entire band. He twisted them and got them so paranoid so early that by the time you visited, Snoke already had a firm grasp on them. Ben tried to rebel,iek by dumping the arm candy Snoke demanded he have, and according to Phas, he would get the brunt of it. Snoke held their contract over their heads, saying he owned them and could do whatever he wanted. The final straw for Phas was when Han died, Snoke refused to let Ben go to the funeral. He called the band over for a so called important meeting and drugged them out so bad, it was a couple days later when they came down. She and Hux told anyone who would listen until Empire records finally let them out of the contract. Unfortunately, Snoke, since there was no concrete evidence, got away," Rose informed her. 

"Oh my God." A knot started forming in Rey's stomach. The people around them cheered and yelled, staring to count down from 60. 

"Phas called me about a year ago," Paige confessed. "She wanted to fix things. She said that Ben's been seeing a therapist for a couple of years, but the one thing that he can't get over is what he did to you."

"45!" the crowd yelled. 

"Oh God." The knot grew bigger. 

"There were times where he was so sick with grief and guilt, he almost drank himself to death." Paige continued. 

"37!"

"Phas bought tickets for tonight and was going to find a way to not be able to go and make Ben go instead, giving him a chance to at least talk through things to make it right." Rose added. 

"25!" 

"Peanut?" Finn slid out of the booth and put his arm around her. "What's wrong?" 

"20!"

"I've made a huge mistake!" The knot threatened to swallow her whole. 

BEN

He made it into his apartment, with minutes to spare until the new year. The announcer on the TV, which he had left on when he left earlier to go Hix with the proposal, stated the countdown would be starting shortly. 

'You've screwed up big this time,' the vicious voice sneered. He went into his bathroom and grabbed bottle of sleeping pills Dr. Holdo had prescribed from his medicine cabinet. 

Walking back into the kitchen, he was barely aware that he had seconds left before it was January 1st. 

"7! 6! 5! 4!" Ben emptied the whole bottle into his hand. 

"3! 2! 1! Happy New Year!!" The announcer greeted.

REY

"What do you mean? He talked to you, right?" Poe questioned. 

"13!"

"He tried, but I-" Rey sobbed. "I didn't listen. I just left him. I-" Images of flipping been off while he was tied up replayed in her mind.

"7! 6! 5! 4!" 

'Oh God. What have I done?' she thought. The tears flowed freely as the guilt desended. 

"3! 2! 1! Happy New Year!" The crowd erupted in the bar.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay so, I want to make something clear, this is an attempt at an angsty story, and while I eat that shit right up, I hate when characters are so angsty, they begin to self-sabotage. That being said, I hope to have enough that everyone gets their fill, but not so much that it causes people to end up screaming at poor Ben and Rey. They've been through enough. 
> 
> Don't worry they will get together... Eventually. They just have to get over themselves. 
> 
> Ben's vicious voice/Kylo/dark side/Demon is the after effects of Snoke and his torment and abuse. He's constantly fighting himself and while he feels he needs Rey's forgiveness (which he does), he's failing to realize that him forgiving himself is just as important. 
> 
> Rey has been licking her wounds and fuled by hurt and hate for so long, she doesn't know how to be normal. 
> 
> We've all be in either one or both of those situations. Give these precious babies some time.


	4. Did you mean it?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I'm tired but I wanted to get this chapter posted. If there are any typos, I'll get them tomorrow. I don't know how happy I am with this, but we needed to get our hard headed love birds in one room where they can work though some things. There is still some conflict coming up, were not out of the woods yet. 
> 
> There may be some triggers in this chapter (suicide).

Did you mean it?

In the past

Ben

Ben would never be able to put a finger on when it started, but by the end of his junior year, he knew he was smitten. There was just something about Rey. Sure, she was quiet and shy for almost her entire freshman year, especially once word got out about her previously being a foster child. Ben had heard all of the vicious lies and rumors about her that were only based of some stereotype from some primetime drama. Once she found her niche with her friends, she really opened up. By the end of her Senior year, she gave Ben a run for his money for lead vocals in their combined band. 

The first week into their summer, a musical earwig, just barely a couple bars of a Melody, latched itself in Ben's ear. He began to strum around some on his guitar, writing down a few chords and words. Phasma noticed ben sitting under a tree in his front yard and sat next to him, looking over his shoulder.

“You know she hates going by that name. She prefers ‘Rey’. Are you just trying to piss her off?” Phasma questioned.

“She only hates it because it makes her feel weak. That’s the name they use at school to tease her,” Ben explained.

“You know you’re gonna need some drums here,” pointing to a measure in the first chorus, tappinng her finger to the beat playing in her head. “Shall I call Hux so he can work on his base line?” Ben smiled, silently thanking the universe for such great friends.

Later that week, Ben, Phasma, and Hux called the rest of their band and jam buddies together. Sitting the younger group on the couches in their converted garage rehearsal room, Ben addressed the audience of five.

“This song is for Rey,” who immediately blushed at the mention of her name. “It’s called ‘Ashley’.” Rey’s face fell a little at the mention of her first name. Ben winked with the first lines of the song.

Ashley baby, we're going down slowly, take me  
I've heard the worst but honestly I can't get over you

Ben smiled as Rey again resumed blusing.

"I got this feeling when I first saw you  
It's only thoughts so they can't come through  
My clever words, they come and go as we speak  
This, I've got this  
Oh my god, don't be another one

"I need a way out  
Can you help me get there, get there  
I need a way out, can you help me

"Ashley baby, we're going down slowly, take me  
I've heard the worst but honestly I can't get over you

"Time is running out, let's turn it on  
What makes the beating in my chest stay strong  
Body's sweating as you start to do  
Anything and everything that you want me to

"I need a way out  
Can you help me get there  
I need a way out, can you help me

"Ashley baby, we're going down slowly, take me  
I've heard the worst but honestly I can't get over you

"I wanna see you dance, dance with me  
Ashley and company, moving now  
Everybody get down in this town  
Everybody get down  
Everybody get down in this town  
Everybody get down  
Everybody get down in this town  
Everybody get down, down, down

"I need a way out  
Can you help me get there  
Get there  
I need a way out...

"Ashley baby, we're going down slowly, take me  
I've heard the worst but honestly I can't get over you  
Ashley baby, we're going down slowly, take me  
I've heard the worst but honestly I can't get over you"

Rey jumped up as soon as they finished playing and wrapped her arms around Ben. 

“Do you really mean it? The song? You can't get over me?” she shyly probed. He wrapped his arms around her and gazed into her tear brimmed eyes. She nibbled her bottom lip, anxiously awating his answer. 

“Of course. I meant every word. I really can’t get over you. I can’t get you out of my head. I-“ he wasn’t sure he wanted to finish that thought in case she didn’t return this feeling. Instead, he leaned down, and pressing his lips to hers, he let her feel his love. They heard the whoops and hollars around them, cheering them on, but he didn’t pay them any mind. He had Rey and that’s all he needed.

In the present

Rey

Rey had a bitter taste in her mouth leaving the bar. 'What if he- what if he did it because of what I did? No, he wouldn't,' she argued with herself. No matter what logic she used to refute her fears, the guilt stayed. 

She made her way to the roof of her apartment once she got home, after grabbing a pen, her song notebook,and her guitar. Doing what helped her destress the best, she put the pen to the paper and her fingers to her guitar strings. 

By dawn, she had a new song for her band and a demo video recorded on her phone. However, the words and music did nothing to satiate her guilt. She sang the song though one more time. 

"I lit a fire with the love you left behind  
And it burned wild and crept up the mountainside  
I followed your ashes into outer space  
I can't look out the window, I can't look at this place

"I can't look at the stars  
They make me wonder where you are  
Stars, up on Heaven's boulevard  
And if I know you at all,  
I know you've gone too far  
So I, I can't look at the stars

"All those times we looked up at the sky  
Looking out so far, we felt like we could fly  
And now I'm all alone in the dark of night  
The moon is shining but I can't see the light

"And I can't look at the stars  
They make me wonder where you are  
Stars, up on Heaven's boulevard  
And if I know you at all,  
I know you've gone too far  
So I, I can't look at the stars

"Stars

"Stars, they make me wonder where you are  
Stars up on Heaven's boulevard  
And if I know you at all,  
I know you've gone too far  
So I can't look at the stars"

She looked towards the rising sun, resolution on her face as she knew what she had to do. She pulled out her phone and pulled up Ben's phone number. Rose had said last night that, according to Phas, they had all kept the same phone numbers. Chickening out she settled on texting Hux instead. 

REY: Hey, I know it's been a while and that it's early in the morning, but I may have fucked up last night. Can you just please check on Ben for me? Don't tell him, just make sure he made it home okay.

Rey didn't want to relive last night again. She had done that plenty enough in the past couple of hours. She quickly hit send before she could change her mind. Within a few seconds, three little dots popped up. 

HUX: You're lucky I'm an early morning runner. I know he made it home about midnight. He should be fine though. I take it there was no make up?

REY: No. There wasn't. Have you talked to him since then?

HUX: No, I haven't. It's early. Only runners, people who work, and wierdos are up this early. Wonder which one you are? 

REY: Ha ha. Very funny. 

HUX: I try. In all seriousness, he's fine. Probably just sleeping a hangover. 

Rey wasn't too sure, so she asked for his address. Hux sent it over, along with a kissing face emoji. 

Rey ran down to her apartment to jump in the shower, using the hot water more to steel her nerves than get clean. She opted for a messy bun, no make up, her favorite black skinny jeans, red high top Converse and a grey hoodie with a character from one of her favorite shows. She ordered an Uber from her phone while brushing her teeth. She ran downstairs and only waited a couple of minutes for the car to get there. 

She spent the whole ride there trying, and failing, to figure out what she was going to say and do. After a fifteen minute ride, she got out of the car and looked at the nee, chic apartment building. It was shiny and black, fitting him, or at least, fitting what she knew of Kylo. 

She hit the top floor button in the elevator, realizing that he had the penthouse apartment. Though she had plenty of money to afford whatever apartment or house she wanted, she preferred smaller, more down to earth homes. She was never ostentatious. 

She stepped out of the elevator and walked to the door. There was a note on the door that read: if you are delivering food, the door is unlocked. If not, go away. Full of curiosity, she turned the door knob and it opened. She quietly snuck inside. 

"Just leave the food on the table. Money should be there. Keep the change," Ben yelled, keeping his back to the kitchen. Rey felt a huge weight lifting off her chest, knowing he was alive ans seemingly safe. That relief was short lived, however, seeing as he thought she was delivering food. She opened and shut the front door again, trying to trick him into thinking she was going, hoping to buy herself some more time. 

She couldn't see what he was doing with his hands, with his back to her, but as the music of his guitar picked back up, she knew in an instant, what he was doing and what he was singing. 

"Ashley baby, we're going down slowly, take me  
I've heard the worst but honestly I can't get over you  
Ashley baby, we're going down slowly, take me  
I've heard the worst but honestly I can't get over you"

He was finishing singing "Ashley", the song her wrote for her so long ago. It was a slower, more somber approach than the original he performed for her, but her heart swelled the same. 

"I can't believe you still remember that song," she spoke reverently, feeling as if he had sung those words as a prayer, pleading to some cosmic force for forgiveness. 

"Rey?" He turned around, eyes lighting up when they landed on her. He looked like he had been through hell and back, but her heart hummed with happiness that he was alive.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Song credits  
> 1) Ashley by Disco Curtis  
> 2) Stars by Grace Potter (and the Nocturnals). This song gets me. It was written by Grace, whose close friend did commit suicide. Please, if you are feeling like you are trapped or that there is no other way out, there is. Please get help. There are people who do love and care. I love and care about you. PSA over.


	5. Keeping Promises

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> SMUT! Okay,warning, there is sex in this chapter, but we all know that's what we came here for. Again, not beta so I apologize for any mistakes. This is my first time writing smut, ever, so if it sucks, I'm sorry. I've been doing "research" and reading some of y'all's stories and holy crap. Y'all are good. So hopefully, my writing skills will improve. Anyway, enjoy!

Keeping promises

In the present

BEN

Kylo stood up, propping his guitar against his black, sleek coffee table and cautiously advanced into the kitchen, as if he were approaching a wounded wild animal. He stopped on the other side of the kitchen island. He still couldn’t believe Rey was here. Memories of last night rushed back to him. He glanced around, looking for the evidence of his attempted sin. He found the empty pill bottle on the counter and the pills scattered in the sink, where he threw them in a rage instead of taking them, he threw them. Peeking out of the corner of his eye, he saw her zero in on the bottle. She rushed over to the counter and picked up the bottle.

“Ben!” she shrieked. He’d happily go through the hell of the past an infinite number of times just to hear the concern in her voice and see it on her face again. 

“How many did you take?” She read the label. “How long ago did you take them?” He continued to stare at her, unbelieving that she, after all the shit he put her through, still cared.

“Ben! Can you hear me?” She walked up to him, putting her right had on her face, maintaining her firm grip of his pill bottle in her left hand. He turned into it and nodded, embracing her warmth.

“How many pills did you take?” she repeated her earlier question.

“None. I threw them into the sink,” he confessed his weakness. She withdrew her hand from his face. 

“Why the hell would you even think about doing something like that? Everyone thought we were making up for lost times, and if you had taken those damned pills, you’d be dead by now! No one was bothered to check on you this morning. Do you know what it would do to everyone if you died? Your mom? Hux and Phas? Me?” She cried at him. “You’re selfish, so goddamned selfish. You’re a monster.”

“Yes,” her accusastions broke his daydreamed reprieve. “I am.”

“How could you do it? How could you have such little regard for those around you who care about you?” She spat at him, no longer talking about the pills.

“Do you think I enjoy the torture I go through on a daily basis, knowing what I did to my family? What I did to you? It was going to be ‘Ben and Rey’ taking on the world.”

“Ben is gone, you murderous snake. Where he once stood is this” she gestured at him, “shell of a man who looks like Ben, but is some dark creature instead.” He paused for a moment, watching her eyes glisten with tears threatening to fall, knowing she was trying to stay strong in front of him.

“You have that look in your eyes, from that day when I broke your heart,” he remarked softly, as he brushed hair from Rey’s face. It was a look that always haunted him. He could hear her breath catch in her throat as she closed her eyes, tears running down her face. A sob broke her lips. The bottle fell from her hand as she raised them both to her face and she cried.

REY

Ben picked her, bridal style, and carried her to his black leather couch.

“Rey, I am so sorry for that and everything. I-“ he paused, seeming to struggle to find the right words. “I just wish could show you how terrible I feel about hurting you. I never wanted to, but I did. I’m so sorry.”

Rey tried to stop the tears, but she couldn’t and she wasn't so sure, now that they fell freely, that she would ever so crying. There were so many years of hurt, pain, and anger. They had fueled her and her music career for so long. They were her closest friends and most reliable confidants. 

She got off the couch and out of Ben's arms, begining to Pace a little in the living room. She couldn't think being that close to him, inhaling her favorite scent in the would; him.

"I don't know that I can forgive you Ben, at least not right now. I don't know that I can let it go. I felt like my world fell apart that day and the person who had promised me to be with me through all of life's shit, was the person who caused it," she ranted, still pacing. 

"The worst part is," she continued, "well I don't even know if it's the worst part, but still, you ruined me for any other man. Any time I've tried to date someone, I always compare them to you. You still have an effect on me as much as I'd hate to admit it." It felt good to speak her mind, to admit the deepest secrets that weighed in her soul, yet she felt bare in front of him half expecting him to break her heart again. There was a small party of her, however, that began to hope that Ben truly meant what he had said.

"Rey, there has never been another woman. None of them could ever even hope to compare to you. God, I still love you. I always have and always will," he stood and closed the distance. He cupped her chin, tipping her face to him. 

"Can I kiss you?" He whispered. Rey thought for a moment, relisting that as mad as she was, she still loved him, too. She nodded, closing her eyes.

His lips hesitantly brushed against hers. She rose on her toes, pushing into his lips, silently letting him know she was okay and wanted more. His hands moved to her hair and pulled her closer as he deepened their kiss. 

Even though she knew they had a lot to work through, Rey was enjoying the feeling of him against her and how she seemed to fit perfectly in his arms. The more they kissed, the more the anguish from the past melted away. She knew, even if she regretted it later, she wanted more. 

"Ben," she spoke softly against his lips, take me to your room.

"Are you sure? I don't want to make you do anything you don't want to do," Ben whispered back. 

"I want it. Let's go," she responded, pulling back so he could see her resolve. He again picked her up in his arms and carried her through the hallway and, once she was in his room, laid her carefully on his king sized bed. He went to kiss her again and she put a hand on his chest, stopping him.

"Uh-uh, strip for me. Now." She instructed. He immediately did what he was told. Rey sucked a ragged breath in, admiring the beauty before her. He had had some muscle then they were teenagers, but nothing like this sculptured Adonis in front of her. She noticed little scars that peppered his skin. Curious, her finger delicately felt one on his lower right abdomen.

"Those are uh," he hesitated, "burn marks. From, uh, well, from Snoke. When we did something he didn't approve of, he would take his cigarette, because he always had one lit, and hold it against our skin, punishing us. Phas and Hux have a few, but I took the majority."

Rey again felt her fury rise, but not at Ben, at the monster Snoke. She wanted to get even, but she would worry about that later. 

She was a simple woman with a singular simple need and right now, she had a beautiful man to help her with that need. She got on her knees on the bed and began to kiss all of his scars. She found every single one, and gave it a soft peck. 

"Rey," he growled, after she finished and was making her way back up to his mouth, "I need to touch you." 

"How badly?" She asked, slowly and agonizingly removing her clothes. 

"Really fucking badly. Feels like I'm gonna die if I don't hold you soon." 

"What do you want to do to me?" She still took her time undressing. 

"I want to suck on those pretty little tits of yours. I want to eat you out until you can't do anything but cum on my face over and over. I want to fuck you so hard and so good that you'll be screaming my name so loudly, the whole damn city can hear. And then I want to do it all over again, only this time, going slowly, relearning every inch of your body, making love to you. I promise you Rey, by the end of today, you'll exactly how I feel about you, how much I still love you."

Rey could feel herself getting wetter by the minute.

"Well then," she said, laying back on the bed, rubbing her breast and pinching at her nipples, barely able to contain herself, "I guess you better get started then."

 

BEN

He quickly got to work. He was still afraid she'd changer her mind tomorrow, so he wanted to make damn sure he made her feel his love for her and that she stayed.

He started with her lips and worked his way down. He grazed his teeth, nipping at each clavicle as he finally made it to her breasts. He took time lavishing each one with kisses. He licked and sucked, squeezing and pinching the one that wasn't in his mouth. 

As he rolled her nipple in his mouth with his tongue, he dragged his hand down her stomach until he found her womanhood soaking wet in anticipation. He began to circle the little bundle of nerves there and he continued to worship her breasts. 

After a few minutes, he let her nipple fall from his mouth with a loud pop. He kissed his way down to her clit and placed his lips around it, beginning to suck it.

The obscene moans that came out of Rey's mouth fueled him. He wanted more of her. He slipped a finger into her pussy, groaning into her, feeling how tight she was. He quickly found that spot against her wall, and stroked at it. He had felt relief earlier when she revealed that she hadn't been with anyone else. He quickened his tempo with his tongue as he slipped another finger in.

He could tell she would be cumming soon, but he wouldn't let it be her last. He lapped at her sopping pussy, rediscovering and falling in love again with her taste. She had equally ruined him. No one could ever hope to compare to her. After adding a third finger, he could feel her orgasm approaching.

Most of her moans and screams were unintelligible, but the moment it hit, she screamed out his name, causing pride to swell within him. 

He gave her a moment to ride out the pleasure, and leaving a kiss on her clit, he lined himself up at her entrance and looked to her for approval.

"Shit. I don't have a condom." He realized, propping his forehead against hers.

"I'm on the pill still, have been since sophomore year of highschool, remember? And I'm clean. If you're clean, then..." She trailed off.

"I am. Are you sure?" He questioned, lifting her head and looked at her face. She nodded very quickly, biting at her lip. He didn't wait any longer and buried himself to the hilt in her. 

"God, yes, Ben," she mewed, when he bottomed out. He waited only a few seconds to give her time to adjust before pulling almost completely out and bottoming out again. As he found a more steady, consistent rhythm and motion, he couldn't help but to look at her face. 

Her eyes were closed and her mouth opened, forming a soft little "o". She made soft little moans each time his cock was completely sheathed in her. He could feel his orgasm coming, and by the clenching of her walls around him, he could tell she definitely wouldn't be too far behind. He began to pinch her nipples again and lick at the hallow of her neck, continuing to roll his hips into her

"Ben," she cried a minute or two later. "Ben, I'm gonna, ahh, I'm gonna cum soon. Ben, oh God. Ben yes, yes, YES. AHHHH!" 

A moment after she came, he rode out his wave of pleasure, coating her walls with his spend. He stayed inside her for a moment and then, removing himself, rolled to her side. Still panting, looked over at her for find her eyes already on him.

"I want you to know," he started, not wanting to say those three words too early, but wanting to express them, "that I was serious early; you've ruined me for all other women, too. Even though I was a dick, even when I kissed Bazine, and that's as far as we got, she wasn't you."

"Ben, I-," she paused, a devious smile came across her face. "Ben, I believe you promised me," she rolled over, sitting on top of him, "that you'd show me your feelings today," She wiggled her ass on his cock, "Not tell them to me."

"Oh," he whispered darkly, "I am a man of my word and try to keep all of my promises."

And he kept his promise, over and over and over.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Please know that they still have some things to work through. Ben needs to work through forgiving himself and Rey on letting go of her anger. They will still be working through it, their issues aren't over, but we needed them to get talking (and other things). There will be a little bit of a time jump in the next couple of chapters or so, but I plan on them being still a little dumb before fixing everything and moving on to a happy ending.


	6. Unpeaceful

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I cannot stress enough how important it is to communicate healthily. Our lovebirds don't this chapter (it was necessary I promise). But it will be fixed soon.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Let me just say: my bad. I had midterms, research papers, Thanksgiving, a Murder Mystery Party (that I planned) and a cold. I hate leaving people hanging but this chapter also, no matter how many times I rewrote it, just didn't do it for me. So bare with me. Next chapter will be up soon (Sunday or Monday) and it will be a time jump. This story should wrap up in the next couple of chapters or so. 
> 
> I'm sorry for the formatting (posting stories from a phone is way hard and complicated for someonw who is tech dumb.)

Chapter

In The Past

SNOKE

Lester Snoke sat at his desk with his crossed feet on top of the expensive mahogany wood. He looked at the unimpressive bunch before. 'God, they were so lucky to have him, so he could help them reach their full potential. Still it's been a couple of years, yet Kylo is still holding on to that bitch. Ugh. Where did I go wrong?' he thought. 

"You all have a big interview in a couple of hours. We all know how important it is to answer in the best way as to promote the band and keep sells up, right?" He eyed Kylo, who in the last interview answered the always asked "Are you single?" question truthfully, saying one girl had his heart and he would never love another. Luckily, Lester Snoke had ways of preventing information that made him or any of his employees look bad or diminished the image of them he wanted portrayed from getting out.

"Now I'm all for these angsty songs about an unknown girl, hormonal girls eat that shit up and that's great for sales? However, we don't say anything that implies we are taken, because we aren't, understood?" He belittled the band in front of him. No one answered. No one even moved. 

"UNDERSTOOD?" He yelled, standing up and slaming his fists on the desk. Phasma and Hux quickly nodded. Kylo didn't budge, continuing to stare him down. Snoke narrowed his eyes. 

"You two useless fuckwads are dismissed," not even bothering to look at them. "Go get ready for your performance and interview." Snoke came around the desk to sit in front of Kylo. 

"Why do you insist on trying me, boy? I have given you everything. Do you know how many people out there want to be you? Want to fuck you? Who would die if they just got to touch you? Yet you through it back in my face like the entitled piece of shit you are. Why?"

"If I had known that you'd ruin our life, I wouldn't have signed your shitty contract. Now I'm stuck for seven more years with you, so I might as well make them hell for you," Kylo spat back. 

In a matter of a couple of seconds, Snoke had Kylo pressed against the wall with his hand around around his throat, nails digging into his skin. 

"You must have some real balls to think you can talk to me like that," Snoke whispered in his ear while stroking Kylo's hair with his left hand. "Just remember, you're my bitch. I have was of getting rid of that little girl."

Kylo tried to move away but Snoke pressed him further into the wall. Snoke grinned, 

"If you ever screw up again, an interview, try to stand up to me, wear the wrong color, I will have a gang put together of the worst criminals I can find. I'll have them kidnap her and do whatever they want to her. I might even have them record her screaming 'please stop' so I can play it for you over and over. And then they will slit her throat and cut her up so small that you won't ever have a hope of finding her. Am I clear?" Snoke growled

Dejectedly, Kylo nodded. 

"Good," Snoke said adjusting his suit coat and sitting back in his big leather chair. "Now, go get yourself cleaned up before this interview. You look like shit." As soon as Kylo left, Snoke pressed the button on his intercom. 

"Mitaka, hold my calls for the next half hour or so and send in Bazine." Snoke was annoyed as hell at Kylo for dumping Bazine the day after he put them together. He had always planned for her to publicly humiliate him and dump him after a year to fuel his writing. 'Though, I suppose, I've never been good at sharing.' He thought to himself as Bazine walked in.

"Strip and bend over my desk now," Snoke commanded as soon as she shut and locked the door.

"But sir, I'm still a bit sore from fucking those awards judges," she protested weakly.

"Oh, boo hoo. That's what I hired you for. You were just a whore on the corner just a few years ago. Now, don't make me repeat myself." 

She quick undressed and leaned over his desk. He leaned behind her and whispered, "I just had my office remodeled. Its now 100% sound proof. Let's test this, shall we? I need you to bed me to stop, plead for it," he said as he rammed his full length into her in one, hard push. 

BEN

In the present

He awoke to a soft snore coming from a warm body next to him. He smiled and kissed the too of her head. It had been two weeks since new year's Eve and although they hadnt talked about what happened and what they were to each other yet (Rey insisted that they get past the sexual tension before they had that talk so they knew if they wanted to be together again, it was out of actual desire and not physical need), he was happy to have her in any capacity. 

He glanced at his phone, looking at the time. It was just after nine in the morning. Before he set his phone down, a news banner popped across his screen reading: FAMOUS MUSIC MANAGER DEAD IN HOME. Curious, he tapped on it, opening it to a news website. He read the first couple of sentences. 

"Lester Snoke, 56, was found dead in his apartment by his maid this morning. Initial reports say his heart failed during the night, but that he passed peacefully and quietly in his sleep." 

Kylo threw his phone at the wall, instantly waking up Rey. 

"Ben, what's wrong?" She sleepily questioned.

"That bastard, Snoke, is dead," he replied deadpanned. "He died peacefully. He died without any ramifications. He fucked the bad so bad. He fucked up my chance with you, my relationship with my parents. Hell, I'm so screwed up because of him, I almost overdosed a couple weeks ago."

"Well, at least he's gone," she offered, trying to soothe him. 

"Damn it Rey, don't you get it? I had held out hope that another client would come out with more evidence and he'd have to pay for what he did. That's never gonna happen. So I can't just be happy that he's gone," he spat back at her. 

"Ben, I'm just trying to help," she protested. 

"Yeah, well, maybe you should go help somewhere else," he stood, getting out of bed. 

"Fine. I'm leaving. I figured this would happen. You'd get your way and turn back into the man who took been from me. Good bye Kylo. Don't call me. I won't answer," she proclaimed as she threw on her clothes that were strewn across his floor and left. 

Ben went into the bathroom and looked at his reflection, trying to discern why the hell he had to screw everything up. After a few seconds, minutes, hours of self assessment, he knew what he had to do. He picked his phone off of the nightstand and dialed the number that would help end his misery. 

"Hey," he said as soon as he heard the line pick up. "Phas. I need a favor. What is that therapist's number that you're always nagging me to go to?"


	7. Time Passes

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Here is our time jump. I will wrap this story up by the end of this week in the last chapter.

In the Present

TAKODANA CHRONICAL

"January 23rd- Former Singer for First Order, Kylo Ren, Seen Throwing Fit And Things At Coffee Shop."

NIIMA NEWS

"February 14th- Singer Kylo Ren Admitted To Rehab. Is It For Real Or To Try To Save Face?"

"February 15th- The Rebels Have Decided To Take A Break From Singing And Touring. A Source Has Linked Singer And Front Woman Kira To Kylo. Is It Related?"

TAKODANA CHRONICAL

"April 11th- Kylo Ren Out Of Rehab. How Long Will It Be Until His Next Outburst?"

ATCH-TO MUSIC JOURNAL

"May 4th- First Order Releases New Song. Band Says Its An Outreach To Those Who Stuggle With Addiction, Abuse. Click Below To Hear It."

"The second someone mentioned you were all alone  
I could feel the trouble coursing through your veins  
Now I know, it's got a hold  
Just a phone called left unanswered, had me sparking up  
These cigarettes won't stop me wondering where you are  
Don't let go, keep a hold

"If you look into the distance, there's a house upon the hill  
Guiding like a lighthouse to a place where you'll be  
Safe to feel at grace 'cause we've all made mistakes  
If you've lost your way

"I will leave the light on  
I will leave the light on  
I will leave the light on  
I will leave the light on

"Tell me what's been happening, what's been on your mind  
Lately you've been searching for a darker place  
To hide, that's alright  
But if you carry on abusing, you'll be robbed from us  
I refuse to lose another friend to drugs  
Just come home, don't let go

"If you look into the distance, there's a house upon the hill  
Guiding like a lighthouse to a place where you'll be  
Safe to feel at grace 'cause we've all made mistakes  
If you've lost your way

"I will leave the light on  
I will leave the light on  
I will leave the light on  
I will leave the light on  
I will leave the light on

"If you look into the distance, there's a house upon the hill  
Guiding like a lighthouse, it's a place where you'll be  
Safe to feel at grace and if you've lost your way  
If you've lost your way (I will leave the light on)

"And I know you don't know oh, but I need you to be brave  
Hiding from the truth ain't gonna make this all okay

"I'll see your pain if you don't feel our grace  
And you've lost your way  
I will leave the light on  
I will leave the light on  
'Cause I will leave the light on"

ATCH-TO MUSIC JOURNAL

"May 6th-Kira Of The Rebels Releases Two Solo Songs: Stars and Secret For The Mad. She Explains: 'The Band Isn't Broken Up. In Fact, We've Been Writing Some New Stuff, But There Was A Lot I've Been Through, Seen Other People Go Through And I Wanted To Make A Statement. Our Music Just Wasn't Conducive For That Message, So It Sounds A Bit Different, But So Is The Message. Listen Below To Secret For The Mad."

"I've got a secret for the mad  
In a little bit of time it won't hurt so bad  
And I get that I don't get it  
But you will burn right now but then you won't regret it

"You're not gonna believe a word I say  
What's the point in just drowning another day  
And I get that I don't get it  
But the world will show you that you won't regret it

"Little things, all the stereotypes  
They're gonna help you get through this one night  
And there will be a day when you can say you're okay and mean it

"I promise you it'll all make sense again  
I promise you it'll all make sense again

"There's nothing to do right now but try  
There are a hundred people who will listen to you cry  
And I get that they don't get it  
But they love you so much that you won't regret it

"You're at the bottom, this is it  
Just get through, you will be fixed  
And you think, that I don't get it  
But I burned my way through and I don't regret it

"Little things, all the stereotypes  
They're gonna help you get through this one night  
And there will be a day when you can say you're okay and mean it

"I promise you it'll all make sense again  
I promise you it'll all make sense again  
I promise you it'll all make sense again  
I promise you it'll all make sense again"

NIIMA NEWS

"September 19th- The Rebels Have Confirmes That Their Album Dropping Early Next Month Will Be Their Last. 'We've Experienced A Lot Thie Past Year And Feel Like This Is What We Need.' Manager Poe Says. Roof Top New Year's Concert Will Be Last Concert."

NIIMA NEWS

"October 15th- Many People Have Come Forward Since Lester Snoke's Death In January Of This Year, Speaking of Abuse Similar To The Story That The Members Of The First Order Released 4 Years Ago. Records Being Published Have "Hard Proof" A Source Says."

ATCH-TO MUSIC JOURNAL

"December 12th- A Source Says New Year's Roof Top Concert Promises 'Jaw-Dropping News.'"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Songs   
> 1) Leave a Light On by Tom Walker  
> 2) Stars by Grace Potter and the Nocturnals (in an earlier chapter  
> 3) Secret For the Mad by Dodie
> 
> We're almost done!


	8. New Year Joys

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I know, it's been a thousand years. I had the flu, and then finals and the holidays. I'm sorry. I hope this chapter makes up for it. It's super sappy and cheestastic, but I feel like these two deserve to be happy. Happy Monday!

In the Past

Ben

August had begun. Ben’s first week was coming up quickly, and he wanted Rey to know how much he cared about her. He smiled, thinking about his grand plan of proposing to her once she started her first week of freshman year when she came to college. He just wanted a song for her to play until then, one to remind her of his love for her. 

The lyrics came easy, the melody was simple but only added to the message. In it, he made sure to express his desire to just run away with her. He planned to record it once he left and was settled in school, but until then, he’d keep his scribbled sheet music hidden from her and to himself.

Present

Rey

“Are you sure I should sing this? I mean, last year at the Roof Top Concert, I sung about hating him and this song is about Ben and I don’t even know how he feels about me anymore. I haven’t talked to him since he found out Snoke had died and he was so angry but now, I mean, he’s been to rehab and maybe he’s different, which is good, but maybe he’s changed so much and I just don’t know that-”

“Rey,” Finn cut her off mid-rant before she could spiral out of control. “It will be fine. We sent him the ticket. When he shows up, because we know he will because he loves you, you’ll be able to talk to him and then you’ll know. I don’t think you’ll go home alone, but whatever you feel will happen, will happen tonight and you’ll know. You’ve got this babe.”  
“Okay,” Rey breathed out, trying to let go of the stress. 

“I have to go. Poe and I have to go announce our engagement and then you’ll be on. You’ll do wonderfully, peanut,” Finn kissed her on the forehead and left her temporary dressing room.

Rey picked up her old, beat up acoustic guitar and began strumming the personal tune that she was about to share with the world. She tried to lose herself in the music for the few minutes she had left, trying to ignore her nerves and worries.

Ben

Ben tapped his foot anxiously. Poe had contacted him early in the month with a ticket, and thus the opportunity to see Rey. Ben had talked to Poe and told him everything, from how quickly he fell for Rey as a teen, to the song he never got to send to her, to still loving her. Poe, as always, had a mischievous, but brilliant nonetheless plan to come and sing Rey’s song. So here he sat, anxious for the moment that his Rey performed and then the moment when he performed after her.

He laughed, remembering how just a year ago he saw her for the first time in years. He smiled warmly of the weeks afterwards spending almost every night in her arms. If tonight goes like I hope, he thought, absentmindedly moving his hand to his right pants pocket, feeling the outline of the velvet box hidden there, there will be many more nights like that to come. His attention was commanded when Rey walked on stage with her guitar. He sat up and smiled as soon as she sat down. She smiled back and began to speak. 

“On the back of that exciting announcement, I have more news, some sad, some good. As some of you may heard, The Rebels, our band, is breaking up. I know, I know,” she addressed the awws from the crowd. “It’s not an angry break up. We just are ready for those next chapters of our lives, like Finn and Poe. It was announced last week that our Rose was selected to play the lead role of the Cosmic Battles reboot. We all have new exciting things happening and appreciate all of your love so far for us and hope you’ll be with us as we move forward to new exciting things.

“As for me,” she continued, “ I will continue singing. However, I will be leaving my stage name Kira behind. You’ve probably already heard my new song ‘Secret for the Mad’ and saw it under my real name, Rey. I want to go back to my roots, to who I was before I let hatred poison me. The new music you will hear from me in the future is who I am and who I use to be. With that being said, here is another new song; ‘Lost Stars’. 

“It’s about a man,” she paused, looking at Ben. “ A man named Ben, who I love and have always loved. It’s about uncertainty. I don’t know how he feels, but I-” Rey blinked away, trying to prevent tears from falling. “Anyway, she sighed, “I hope you enjoy it.”

"Please don't see just a girl caught up in dreams and fantasies  
Please see me reaching out for someone I can see  
Take my hand, let's see where we wake up tomorrow  
Best laid plans, sometimes are just a one night stand  
I'd be damned, Cupid's demanding back his arrow  
So let's get drunk on our tears and

“God, tell us the reason youth is wasted on the young  
It's hunting season and this lamb is on the run  
Searching for meaning  
But are we all lost stars trying to light up the dark?

“Who are we? Just a speck of dust within the galaxy  
'Woe is me' if we're not careful turns into reality  
Don't you dare let all these memories bring you sorrow  
Yesterday I saw a lion kiss a deer  
Turn the page, maybe we'll find a brand new ending  
Where we're dancing in our tears and

“God, tell us the reason youth is wasted on the young  
It's hunting season and this lamb is on the run  
We're searching for meaning  
But are we all lost stars trying to light up the dark?

“I thought I saw you out there crying  
I thought I heard you call my name  
I thought I heard you out there crying  
We're just the same

“God, tell us the reason youth is wasted on the young  
It's hunting season and this lamb is on the run  
We're searching for meaning  
But are we all lost stars trying to light up the dark?  
Are we all lost stars trying to light up the dark?"

The crowd went wild. Ben stood, wiping tears from his eyes. He went up to the stage and after the guard verified he was to be on the stage next, he jumped up and grabbed Rey’s hand before she was completely off stage and pulled her to him and kissed her. He reached for the microphone, pulling Rey with him to the center stage.   
“Hello, many of you know me as Kylo Ren. My real name is Ben. Yes, I’m that Ben. Let me just say, Rey’s feelings are definitely reciprocated.” 

“Rey and I have known each other since we were young teens,” he explained after the cheers from the crowds died down. “ I wrote this song when I was 19 for Rey before I left for college and made a huge mistake,” he paused, feeling a light, loving squeeze from Rey. “It was about how I just wanted to run away with her. I never got to sing it for her, but if it’s okay with you all, I’d like to sing it to her now.” The crowd cheered and the screams of yes was overwhelming. 

Ben nodded to the curtains, signaling to Hux and a very pregnant Phasma to come and take their spots with there instruments. After smiles and waves were exchanged really quickly, the lights dimmed and the drums began.

"Pack yourself a toothbrush dear  
Pack yourself a favorite blouse  
Take a withdrawal slip  
Take all of your savings out  
'Cause if we don't leave this town  
We might never make it out  
I was not born to drown  
Baby come on

“Forget what Father Brennan said  
We were not born in sin  
Leave a note on your bed  
Let your mother know you're safe  
And by the time she wakes  
We'll have driven through the state  
We'll have driven through the night  
Baby come on

“If the sun don't shine on me today  
And if the subways flood and bridges break  
Will you lay yourself down and dig your grave  
Or will you rail against your dying day

“And when we looked outside  
Couldn't even see the sky  
How do you pay the rent  
Is it your parents  
Or is hard work dear  
Holding the atmosphere  
I don't wanna live like that, yeah

“If the sun don't shine on me today  
If the subways flood and bridges break  
Jesus Christ can't save me tonight  
Put on your dress, yes wear something nice  
Decide on me, yea decide on us  
Oh, oh, oh, Illinois, Illinois

“Pack yourself a toothbrush dear  
Pack yourself a favorite blouse  
Take a withdrawal slip  
Take all of your savings out  
'Cause if we don't leave this town  
We might never make it out"

The cheers from the crowd went wild as Ben went down on one knee as soon as the song ended. He pulled out the small velvet box and opened to a beautiful delicate and complex ring.

“Rey, I love you. I have always loved you. I have had to spend years without you by my side and then I had you again for a brief moment. You made me realize I needed to change. You made me want to be better and do better. I don’t want to spend another moment without you. Will you spend the rest of your life with me? Will you marry me?” Ben poured his heart out and waited for a response.

“I don’t want to just spend the rest of my life with you. I want to spend the rest of eternity with you. I love you, too. Yes, I will marry you.” Ben didn’t waste a minute to pull Rey into his arms and kiss her. 

“I can’t wait to start forever with you,” Rey whispered into Ben’s ear.

“Neither can I,” He responded.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Songs  
> 1) Lost Stars by Keira Knightley (I know, right! I love her and her voice is beautiful. It's from the movie Begin Again. There is also an Adam Levine version because he is also in the movie, but I just love hers more.)  
> 2) Sleep on the Floor by The Lumineers.


End file.
